Only Pieces Read online
Page 3
First date
When I was a kid, I thought my first date would be a cute girl. I’d be wearing a nice shirt. I was wrong. It’s actually at the nearest McDonald’s with a hot dude. And I’m wearing my old jeans. Burgers and fries with another guy— all the things Amá would disapprove of. This one’s on me, Alex says when we order our combos. I want to say no but murmur, Thanks. We mostly talk about school and our goals. He hopes to get a football scholarship. I share what my parents think about my writer’s dream. Suddenly, his phone buzzes on the table. I gotta take this call, he says, suddenly sounding worried. Hey, Max! he says. He listens and nods. Just go to bed, buddy, he says softly. I’ll be there, like, in an hour, OK? Alex hangs up. It was my little brother. He sighs. After my parents split, he’s had a hard time falling asleep. My sister is a strong girl, but Max… He shakes his head. Guess he misses having Dad around. I don’t want to be nosy, but I ask, What about your mom? He says, She’s dealing with her own…stuff. Hope everything’s fine, I say. He gives a little smile. I slide open my phone and text Alison, This is officially my first date.
Lengends
Lights go red. We cross the street. So, how are those poems going? Alex asks me. They’re good, I say. Surprised that he asked. He nudges me. Can I get a small preview? Maybe later, I say. I go red, too. He studies my face. Hmm, OK. I cave. Have you heard the legend of the lovers, the Moon and the Sun? Alex hesitates. I guess? I tease him. Which one of all the versions? He pauses and thinks. Then blurts out, OK, I lied! I don’t know the story. I laugh. How is it possible that you don’t know that legend? He shrugs. It’s not something like they teach us at school. Well, Mexican grandmoms always tell it, I say. He scratches his hair. My grandma is dead. My stomach drops. I am sorry, I— It’s OK, he says. She died before I was born. Alex falls silent, and I feel I ruined our first date. So, what are you waiting for? he asks. Waiting…? I ask, confused. To tell me a legend. I smile. Come with me.
Rabbit in the moon
We step into the playground area. I climb on the slide. Alex does the same. I decide which story I want to tell him. We lie on our backs. Everything is still, so I begin. Quetzalcóatl, god of the Cosmos, once went to travel the world. As the evening fell, he felt tired and hungry but kept walking. Then he met a bunny that had come out to eat grass. Alex listens carefully. The bunny invited him to share his food, but the god said he didn’t eat grass, and he would most likely die of hunger that night. The bunny said, “Eat me. I am nothing more than a rabbit.” Quetzalcóatl gently stroked the rabbit and said, “You may not be more than a bunny, but everyone will remember you.” He raised him to the moon, where his figure was stamped, and said, “I will put your portrait here for all humanity to see. Forever.” We stay silent for a moment. Then Alex asks, surprised, Wait, did you make up that story? I laugh softly. I told you—it’s a legend. His mouth falls open. Well, it’s awesome. I should share that story with Max whenever he can’t sleep.
Lovers and bunnies
Monday and Tuesday fly by. On Wednesday, I have two text messages. One from Alison and one from Alex. I open his first. Can’t wait for version two of that legend! Is it with lovers or more bunnies? I smirk. Alison says she wants to talk. Only if you bring a free meal, I respond. Deal!
The party
My parents aren’t home. They went to visit my uncles to tell them the news. Apá finally got the job in the grape field. Alison puts the burger and fries on the table. I kiss the bag. She rolls her eyes. Seriously, I don’t understand your fascination with this food. It makes me sick. I laugh. So, what’s up? What you wanna talk about? Tyler is throwing a party, she starts. You know, the one he always gives before back to school. Didn’t Alex say anything to you? I try to hide my disappointment, and grab some fries. I haven’t spoken to Alex since our date, I lie. I can tell she doesn’t believe me. Well, the party is this Friday. You down? I shake my head no. You know I don’t like Tyler after that note he put on my locker. He doesn’t even like me! Alison rolls her eyes. Let it go, Edgar. It was a long time ago. Plus, you’re not even sure it was him! It was him! I insist. I recognized that awful handwriting. Alison ignores me ’cause she knows I’m right. Please? Everyone will be there. Alex will be there, too, she winks. Ugh, OK, I’ll think about it, I say.
Liar
Alison has convinced me to go to the party. But convincing Amá is not that easy. Amá, Alison is already waiting outside, I say. She holds firm. I don’t care. The president could be waiting for you, and you still wouldn’t go. Please, I beg. No, Edgar. Who knows what people do at those parties? After eight missed calls from Ali and almost getting down on my knees, Apá asks, Is that Alison your girlfriend? Umm…yeah, I lie. My palms sweat. See, Lidia? Let him go. Edgar has to meet girls. Amá keeps quiet. She knows I’m a liar.
The only reason
Alison came tonight is because she wants to see Tyler. Palm trees surround the two-story house. We walk inside. Alison looks for Tyler. She can’t find him, so we decide to hang out in the living room. We meet my cousin Daniela. She never comes to parties, but all the schoolkids are here tonight. She talks about her quinceañera over and over again. She sounds excited. For a moment, I forget that I am at Tyler’s. For a moment, I even forget what Tyler did. (I know you’re queer. The words haunted me for months.) Want a drink? Alison asks. I don’t want to be a killjoy, so I nod. She walks to the kitchen with Daniela, and they leave me alone.
Feel the moment
The music is loud. Guys are already wasted. They take selfies and joke around. I take out my phone to check if Amá has called, but there are no calls. I turn my phone OFF. I want to chill out and have some fun. I don’t wanna think about my parents or my dirty white shoes. Suddenly, I see him: ebony hair and brown-hazel eyes. Alex glances around. It’s as if he’s looking for something. Maybe for someone? Until his gaze pauses on me. My heart races when I see his dimples. I give him a smile. He waves over and walks through the crowd. Hola, he says. Hi, I say. I want to ask Alex why he didn’t mention the party. But a wide smile crosses his face. And I can’t think of anything else.
Alison shows up
with two red cups and gives me one. She squeezes my shoulder and smiles at Alex. He starts talking about football. I sip my drink. It tastes too sour. I wanna spit it out. I hope Alison doesn’t get too wasted. Sometimes she can’t control her mouth. After too much football talk, she leaves us alone.
I Finish my drink
Alex asks me if I want another one. I really don’t, but I nod. I want to impress him. We make our way to the kitchen. I see some familiar faces but try to ignore them. We grab our drinks from a table full of bottles of who-knows-what. This one tastes strong. Tequila, I think, as the drink burns in my throat. A band starts playing. People cheer from the yard. Alex and I join the pulsing crowd.
Neon lights
flood the wooden stage and the pool. The girl from the band sings, Promise me the coast is clear. Alex’s eyes spark when they meet mine, brighter than a dozen lights. Let me keep you warm. People sing the lyrics along with the band. When the second song begins, Alex wants to go for another drink. As we walk, I feel a pair of eyes staring at us. Hey! Wait, someone shouts. We turn our heads. Tyler is standing there. He wraps his arm around Alison’s shoulder.
Truth
Alex looks ashamed. Like he’s trying to hide himself. It’s too late to run away. Tyler calls our names. I didn’t know you two were friends. He stretches out the word “friends.” I can smell his alcohol breath from here. No, we aren’t, Alex says, quickly. No more wide smiles or sparks in his eyes. He just lives in the same building as, um— Why didn’t you tell me you were hanging out with this dude? Tyler interrupts. Alison, also drunk, asks Tyler to stop. C’mon, let’s go inside. But Tyler won’t stop. Hey, Edgar, truth or dare? Truth, truth, truth! shout Jorge and Steve, two guys from the football team. They raise their glasses like this is a fun game. Tyler, please, Alison repeats. Man, I don’t have anything against homos, you know, but is it true you like dudes? He asks, as if there’s something wrong with that. My mouth goes dry and I drop my eyes to the G R O U N D. Alex doesn’t say or do anything. Why would he? So obviously he wasn’t the one to tell Tyler. Suddenly, everything clicks. Alison was THE ONE who knew. Alison was THE ONE who told Tyler the truth.
Nightmare
I feel like I’m in a nightmare where I can’t run away. More people gather around. So is it true you’re into Alex? Tyler blurts out and smacks my butt. Leave him alone, Ty, someone from the crowd shouts. That’s n-not your business, I stutter. People clap and laugh. I don’t know what to do, so my body reacts for me. I quicken my pace to the patio door without looking back.
I try to ignore
Alex, Tyler, and everyone. I try to ignore the awkward moment from tonight. I try to ignore Alison’s voice shouting my name. She will be OK. I know Daniela will take care of her. But I can’t ignore the embarrassment. The pain inside.
Tears
blur my vision as I walk the lonely, dark streets. The night gets cold. At least I brought my red jacket. I shouldn’t have come. I shouldn’t have come. Amá was right. When I’m far enough, I lean against a tree. It feels like too much to handle. And finally, after all these months, I cover my face and let myself cry.
I wake up at six
No messages on my phone. I go back to sleep. I wake up at eight. I hear Amá complain about how much Apá drank last night. I go back to sleep.
Hangover
Amá is washing the dishes Finally, you woke up! It’s past eleven, she says, her arms up. Are you hungover? I don’t feel like arguing, so I keep my mouth shut. You hungry? I shake my head. Maybe some green enchiladas? Your favorites? she insists. I sigh quietly. No, Amá, no! ¡Uy, qué carácter! See? That’s how hangovers feel. How do I e
xplain to her it’s not my bad temper but an emotional hangover?
Sunday is
tons of Alison’s missed calls and unopened messages. Sunday is staying in bed. Sunday is feeling hurt. Tomorrow will be worse. I will go back to school and face the truth. Even when all I want is to stay here, alone in my room. I don’t know what else to do. So I write a poem for Alex:
"Only pieces"
a poem by Edgar Jimenez We passed through the shadows and the sounds from the park that night. It reminded me how happiness felt. I thought we were pieces coming together. Never imagined we were falling apart. But I guess we are only pieces looking for a place in the universe. And maybe you haven’t found that place yet. I hope you do. I hope you find that place where you belong.
First day
Yellow morning light hits me in the face. I get ready for school after summer break. Apá gets ready for his first workday in el campo. A pan dulce basket, coffee, and orange juice sit on the table. Amá brings up Alex’s dad. The vecinos think he’s raro. I say, Just because he doesn’t talk with you all doesn’t mean he’s weird. Amá sips her coffee. Apparently, he only goes to work and then hides in that apartment all day. So, you guys spy on him?! I ask. Apá sighs, tired already. Amá ignores my question and asks, You OK? I shrug. Just a little bit stressed. In my time, nobody had time to be stressed, Amá says.
I Walk
through the crowded halls. I’m glad Alison, Alex, and Tyler are not around. I’m a nervous wreck and don’t want to throw up the pan dulce in front of them.
my first class
is literature. Mr. Evans asks us to write an essay about what seasons mean for us. Thirty minutes later, he asks who wants to read their first lines out loud. He stares at me. He knows I love writing, but today I try to keep a low profile. I keep writing a poem in my journal all through English, and then in math as Ms. Gutiérrez tries to explain geometry.
"River over me"
a poem by Edgar Jimenez I hate when I feel this way. When I want to enjoy something: a class, a book, a geometry problem, and simply can’t. The feeling runs through my body. It boards, it kayaks, it overflows. Sometimes it moves too fast, and my unwieldy body can’t swim anymore. Other days it dries up. Sometimes anger and sadness are the only waters I can dive in. I guess they are all I’ve ever known.
I’m too deep
in my thoughts. I don’t realize Ms. Gutiérrez is next to me. The whole class bursts out laughing. I hand her my notebook, and she reads CAREFULLY. Then she writes something on it. If it’s a note for Amá, I’m screwed. When the class is over, I take a look at her lines: You have talent, kiddo. I suggest you read Franny Choi and Juan Felipe Herrera.
Ignored
During lunch, I don’t know where to go. I take out a coke from the vending machine. All of a sudden, I see his burnt-caramel skin. Alex passes down the hall looking the other way on purpose. I stand there awkwardly, but he pretends not to see me.
The cafeteria fills
with whispers as I walk in. Maybe it’s just my imagination. I sit in the corner where two friends are talking about Netflix shows while they unpack their lunch. Completely unexpected, someone comes up behind me and gently taps on my shoulder. Hi, says Alison.
I tried to call you
she says softly. I didn’t want to talk, I respond. She tries to reach out. I am sorry for everything. For telling Tyler something I shouldn’t have. For not being there when you needed me . . . I turn away. Do you realize all the stress you put me through? We were supposed to be FRIENDS. She holds back her tears. I know, I know. Look, I just wanted to give you something. I shake my head. I need to go to class. She reaches for my hand and places a half-moon silver pendant in it. I have the other half. She knows how much I love the sun, the moon, and the stars. I half-smile. You know I’m not the type of person who apologizes. But I’m deeply sorry, Edgar. I really am. This last day has been awful without you. I hug Alison. Tears run down her cheeks. Hey, it’s OK. You were super drunk, so it doesn’t count, OK? She laughs and cries at the same time. You’re a better friend than I am. People are looking at us. But I couldn’t care less this time.
I haven’t talked
with Tyler since that night, Alison says as we walk away from school. I nudge her. You OK? She shrugs. I’m alright. I’m glad I didn’t… She shakes her head. I feel like a fool. I stayed at Daniela’s. Your cousin’s cool. I’m glad she was there. Alison nods. Now, ready for some greasy food? I laugh. Always ready.
The day Quinceanera arrives
I didn’t want to come, but Amá forced me to. I love my cousin. It’s just I prefer to keep my distance from my relatives. Plus, I hate wearing formal clothes. We walk into the party hall. It’s decorated with purple helium balloons and fake pink roses. A Tigres del Norte song comes ON. We sit at one of the tables with bright pink tablecloths. My uncle Jorge, Daniela’s dad, reaches over. He’s wearing a sombrero hat. He chats with Apá first. Then he asks me, Pá cuándo la novia, mijo? He always finds ways to make me feel uncomfortable. Asking when I will have a girlfriend is one of them. Thank God Daniela shows up. People clap and whistle. She looks stunning. No glasses or the white sneakers she usually wears. Instead, a cute purple dress that highlights her curves. A silver tiara on her head.
Alison texts me
She asks if Alex has reached out. Amá says I should stop texting. Daniela dances with her chambelanes, her quince court. Aunt Rosario cries. Alison keeps texting me. You should call Alex. The party emcee DEMANDS relatives dance with the quinceañera. Amá glances at me. No way, I say. I hate dancing. Don’t be rude. It’s your cousin. So go. More notifications from Alison. I know Amá won’t let it go, so I breathe deeply and walk toward Daniela.
I Count my steps
as we dance. One, two, three, turn. So, how’s Alison? Daniela asks. She’s fine, I say. Thank you, prima, for that night. Guess she learned drinking that much is never a good idea. I hope you learned your lesson, too, Daniela says. One, two, three, turn. I frown. What you mean? There will be more Tylers in your life, she says. But you always need to remind yourself how special you are. Never be ashamed of that. We stop for a moment. I wrap Daniela in a big, big hug. Gracias. People clap even though they don’t know what’s going on. You know you have my support, she says warmly. And talk to your dad only when you’re ready. I nod. You look beautiful, by the way. She giggles. Thanks, primo. As I get close to my table, Apá is staring at me with this severe look I’ve never seen before. He holds my phone. DANG. I forgot to lock my phone. He read my texts with Alison.
My first reaction
is to walk away—very fast. Just like that night at the party. Amá calls out my name, but the people gather and the event staff divide us. I accidentally hit a woman holding a soda. It spills all over. I’m sorry! I yell. One, two, three, four blocks. I take a couple deep breaths. I turn. I don’t see Amá or Apá anymore. I don’t know where to go. I could hide in the park. But that wouldn’t work forever. Tired and defeated, I just go home.
breathe in, breathe out
I breathe in. What am I gonna say when my parents arrive? Is Apá going to kick me out of the house? Will he beat me up? My stomach growls. Someone knocks on the door, pulling me out of my thoughts. I feel spaced out. I take a loooong deep breath before opening the door. Alex Cisneros is standing there. Cool if I come in? I know this isn’t a good time, but my heart keeps popping up like popcorn in a heavy-bottomed pot. I can’t ignore how he makes me feel, so I just step outside. I breathe out.
When I was a kid, I thought my first date would be a cute girl. I’d be wearing a nice shirt. I was wrong. It’s actually at the nearest McDonald’s with a hot dude. And I’m wearing my old jeans. Burgers and fries with another guy— all the things Amá would disapprove of. This one’s on me, Alex says when we order our combos. I want to say no but murmur, Thanks. We mostly talk about school and our goals. He hopes to get a football scholarship. I share what my parents think about my writer’s dream. Suddenly, his phone buzzes on the table. I gotta take this call, he says, suddenly sounding worried. Hey, Max! he says. He listens and nods. Just go to bed, buddy, he says softly. I’ll be there, like, in an hour, OK? Alex hangs up. It was my little brother. He sighs. After my parents split, he’s had a hard time falling asleep. My sister is a strong girl, but Max… He shakes his head. Guess he misses having Dad around. I don’t want to be nosy, but I ask, What about your mom? He says, She’s dealing with her own…stuff. Hope everything’s fine, I say. He gives a little smile. I slide open my phone and text Alison, This is officially my first date.
Lengends
Lights go red. We cross the street. So, how are those poems going? Alex asks me. They’re good, I say. Surprised that he asked. He nudges me. Can I get a small preview? Maybe later, I say. I go red, too. He studies my face. Hmm, OK. I cave. Have you heard the legend of the lovers, the Moon and the Sun? Alex hesitates. I guess? I tease him. Which one of all the versions? He pauses and thinks. Then blurts out, OK, I lied! I don’t know the story. I laugh. How is it possible that you don’t know that legend? He shrugs. It’s not something like they teach us at school. Well, Mexican grandmoms always tell it, I say. He scratches his hair. My grandma is dead. My stomach drops. I am sorry, I— It’s OK, he says. She died before I was born. Alex falls silent, and I feel I ruined our first date. So, what are you waiting for? he asks. Waiting…? I ask, confused. To tell me a legend. I smile. Come with me.
Rabbit in the moon
We step into the playground area. I climb on the slide. Alex does the same. I decide which story I want to tell him. We lie on our backs. Everything is still, so I begin. Quetzalcóatl, god of the Cosmos, once went to travel the world. As the evening fell, he felt tired and hungry but kept walking. Then he met a bunny that had come out to eat grass. Alex listens carefully. The bunny invited him to share his food, but the god said he didn’t eat grass, and he would most likely die of hunger that night. The bunny said, “Eat me. I am nothing more than a rabbit.” Quetzalcóatl gently stroked the rabbit and said, “You may not be more than a bunny, but everyone will remember you.” He raised him to the moon, where his figure was stamped, and said, “I will put your portrait here for all humanity to see. Forever.” We stay silent for a moment. Then Alex asks, surprised, Wait, did you make up that story? I laugh softly. I told you—it’s a legend. His mouth falls open. Well, it’s awesome. I should share that story with Max whenever he can’t sleep.
Lovers and bunnies
Monday and Tuesday fly by. On Wednesday, I have two text messages. One from Alison and one from Alex. I open his first. Can’t wait for version two of that legend! Is it with lovers or more bunnies? I smirk. Alison says she wants to talk. Only if you bring a free meal, I respond. Deal!
The party
My parents aren’t home. They went to visit my uncles to tell them the news. Apá finally got the job in the grape field. Alison puts the burger and fries on the table. I kiss the bag. She rolls her eyes. Seriously, I don’t understand your fascination with this food. It makes me sick. I laugh. So, what’s up? What you wanna talk about? Tyler is throwing a party, she starts. You know, the one he always gives before back to school. Didn’t Alex say anything to you? I try to hide my disappointment, and grab some fries. I haven’t spoken to Alex since our date, I lie. I can tell she doesn’t believe me. Well, the party is this Friday. You down? I shake my head no. You know I don’t like Tyler after that note he put on my locker. He doesn’t even like me! Alison rolls her eyes. Let it go, Edgar. It was a long time ago. Plus, you’re not even sure it was him! It was him! I insist. I recognized that awful handwriting. Alison ignores me ’cause she knows I’m right. Please? Everyone will be there. Alex will be there, too, she winks. Ugh, OK, I’ll think about it, I say.
Liar
Alison has convinced me to go to the party. But convincing Amá is not that easy. Amá, Alison is already waiting outside, I say. She holds firm. I don’t care. The president could be waiting for you, and you still wouldn’t go. Please, I beg. No, Edgar. Who knows what people do at those parties? After eight missed calls from Ali and almost getting down on my knees, Apá asks, Is that Alison your girlfriend? Umm…yeah, I lie. My palms sweat. See, Lidia? Let him go. Edgar has to meet girls. Amá keeps quiet. She knows I’m a liar.
The only reason
Alison came tonight is because she wants to see Tyler. Palm trees surround the two-story house. We walk inside. Alison looks for Tyler. She can’t find him, so we decide to hang out in the living room. We meet my cousin Daniela. She never comes to parties, but all the schoolkids are here tonight. She talks about her quinceañera over and over again. She sounds excited. For a moment, I forget that I am at Tyler’s. For a moment, I even forget what Tyler did. (I know you’re queer. The words haunted me for months.) Want a drink? Alison asks. I don’t want to be a killjoy, so I nod. She walks to the kitchen with Daniela, and they leave me alone.
Feel the moment
The music is loud. Guys are already wasted. They take selfies and joke around. I take out my phone to check if Amá has called, but there are no calls. I turn my phone OFF. I want to chill out and have some fun. I don’t wanna think about my parents or my dirty white shoes. Suddenly, I see him: ebony hair and brown-hazel eyes. Alex glances around. It’s as if he’s looking for something. Maybe for someone? Until his gaze pauses on me. My heart races when I see his dimples. I give him a smile. He waves over and walks through the crowd. Hola, he says. Hi, I say. I want to ask Alex why he didn’t mention the party. But a wide smile crosses his face. And I can’t think of anything else.
Alison shows up
with two red cups and gives me one. She squeezes my shoulder and smiles at Alex. He starts talking about football. I sip my drink. It tastes too sour. I wanna spit it out. I hope Alison doesn’t get too wasted. Sometimes she can’t control her mouth. After too much football talk, she leaves us alone.
I Finish my drink
Alex asks me if I want another one. I really don’t, but I nod. I want to impress him. We make our way to the kitchen. I see some familiar faces but try to ignore them. We grab our drinks from a table full of bottles of who-knows-what. This one tastes strong. Tequila, I think, as the drink burns in my throat. A band starts playing. People cheer from the yard. Alex and I join the pulsing crowd.
Neon lights
flood the wooden stage and the pool. The girl from the band sings, Promise me the coast is clear. Alex’s eyes spark when they meet mine, brighter than a dozen lights. Let me keep you warm. People sing the lyrics along with the band. When the second song begins, Alex wants to go for another drink. As we walk, I feel a pair of eyes staring at us. Hey! Wait, someone shouts. We turn our heads. Tyler is standing there. He wraps his arm around Alison’s shoulder.
Truth
Alex looks ashamed. Like he’s trying to hide himself. It’s too late to run away. Tyler calls our names. I didn’t know you two were friends. He stretches out the word “friends.” I can smell his alcohol breath from here. No, we aren’t, Alex says, quickly. No more wide smiles or sparks in his eyes. He just lives in the same building as, um— Why didn’t you tell me you were hanging out with this dude? Tyler interrupts. Alison, also drunk, asks Tyler to stop. C’mon, let’s go inside. But Tyler won’t stop. Hey, Edgar, truth or dare? Truth, truth, truth! shout Jorge and Steve, two guys from the football team. They raise their glasses like this is a fun game. Tyler, please, Alison repeats. Man, I don’t have anything against homos, you know, but is it true you like dudes? He asks, as if there’s something wrong with that. My mouth goes dry and I drop my eyes to the G R O U N D. Alex doesn’t say or do anything. Why would he? So obviously he wasn’t the one to tell Tyler. Suddenly, everything clicks. Alison was THE ONE who knew. Alison was THE ONE who told Tyler the truth.
Nightmare
I feel like I’m in a nightmare where I can’t run away. More people gather around. So is it true you’re into Alex? Tyler blurts out and smacks my butt. Leave him alone, Ty, someone from the crowd shouts. That’s n-not your business, I stutter. People clap and laugh. I don’t know what to do, so my body reacts for me. I quicken my pace to the patio door without looking back.
I try to ignore
Alex, Tyler, and everyone. I try to ignore the awkward moment from tonight. I try to ignore Alison’s voice shouting my name. She will be OK. I know Daniela will take care of her. But I can’t ignore the embarrassment. The pain inside.
Tears
blur my vision as I walk the lonely, dark streets. The night gets cold. At least I brought my red jacket. I shouldn’t have come. I shouldn’t have come. Amá was right. When I’m far enough, I lean against a tree. It feels like too much to handle. And finally, after all these months, I cover my face and let myself cry.
I wake up at six
No messages on my phone. I go back to sleep. I wake up at eight. I hear Amá complain about how much Apá drank last night. I go back to sleep.
Hangover
Amá is washing the dishes Finally, you woke up! It’s past eleven, she says, her arms up. Are you hungover? I don’t feel like arguing, so I keep my mouth shut. You hungry? I shake my head. Maybe some green enchiladas? Your favorites? she insists. I sigh quietly. No, Amá, no! ¡Uy, qué carácter! See? That’s how hangovers feel. How do I e
xplain to her it’s not my bad temper but an emotional hangover?
Sunday is
tons of Alison’s missed calls and unopened messages. Sunday is staying in bed. Sunday is feeling hurt. Tomorrow will be worse. I will go back to school and face the truth. Even when all I want is to stay here, alone in my room. I don’t know what else to do. So I write a poem for Alex:
"Only pieces"
a poem by Edgar Jimenez We passed through the shadows and the sounds from the park that night. It reminded me how happiness felt. I thought we were pieces coming together. Never imagined we were falling apart. But I guess we are only pieces looking for a place in the universe. And maybe you haven’t found that place yet. I hope you do. I hope you find that place where you belong.
First day
Yellow morning light hits me in the face. I get ready for school after summer break. Apá gets ready for his first workday in el campo. A pan dulce basket, coffee, and orange juice sit on the table. Amá brings up Alex’s dad. The vecinos think he’s raro. I say, Just because he doesn’t talk with you all doesn’t mean he’s weird. Amá sips her coffee. Apparently, he only goes to work and then hides in that apartment all day. So, you guys spy on him?! I ask. Apá sighs, tired already. Amá ignores my question and asks, You OK? I shrug. Just a little bit stressed. In my time, nobody had time to be stressed, Amá says.
I Walk
through the crowded halls. I’m glad Alison, Alex, and Tyler are not around. I’m a nervous wreck and don’t want to throw up the pan dulce in front of them.
my first class
is literature. Mr. Evans asks us to write an essay about what seasons mean for us. Thirty minutes later, he asks who wants to read their first lines out loud. He stares at me. He knows I love writing, but today I try to keep a low profile. I keep writing a poem in my journal all through English, and then in math as Ms. Gutiérrez tries to explain geometry.
"River over me"
a poem by Edgar Jimenez I hate when I feel this way. When I want to enjoy something: a class, a book, a geometry problem, and simply can’t. The feeling runs through my body. It boards, it kayaks, it overflows. Sometimes it moves too fast, and my unwieldy body can’t swim anymore. Other days it dries up. Sometimes anger and sadness are the only waters I can dive in. I guess they are all I’ve ever known.
I’m too deep
in my thoughts. I don’t realize Ms. Gutiérrez is next to me. The whole class bursts out laughing. I hand her my notebook, and she reads CAREFULLY. Then she writes something on it. If it’s a note for Amá, I’m screwed. When the class is over, I take a look at her lines: You have talent, kiddo. I suggest you read Franny Choi and Juan Felipe Herrera.
Ignored
During lunch, I don’t know where to go. I take out a coke from the vending machine. All of a sudden, I see his burnt-caramel skin. Alex passes down the hall looking the other way on purpose. I stand there awkwardly, but he pretends not to see me.
The cafeteria fills
with whispers as I walk in. Maybe it’s just my imagination. I sit in the corner where two friends are talking about Netflix shows while they unpack their lunch. Completely unexpected, someone comes up behind me and gently taps on my shoulder. Hi, says Alison.
I tried to call you
she says softly. I didn’t want to talk, I respond. She tries to reach out. I am sorry for everything. For telling Tyler something I shouldn’t have. For not being there when you needed me . . . I turn away. Do you realize all the stress you put me through? We were supposed to be FRIENDS. She holds back her tears. I know, I know. Look, I just wanted to give you something. I shake my head. I need to go to class. She reaches for my hand and places a half-moon silver pendant in it. I have the other half. She knows how much I love the sun, the moon, and the stars. I half-smile. You know I’m not the type of person who apologizes. But I’m deeply sorry, Edgar. I really am. This last day has been awful without you. I hug Alison. Tears run down her cheeks. Hey, it’s OK. You were super drunk, so it doesn’t count, OK? She laughs and cries at the same time. You’re a better friend than I am. People are looking at us. But I couldn’t care less this time.
I haven’t talked
with Tyler since that night, Alison says as we walk away from school. I nudge her. You OK? She shrugs. I’m alright. I’m glad I didn’t… She shakes her head. I feel like a fool. I stayed at Daniela’s. Your cousin’s cool. I’m glad she was there. Alison nods. Now, ready for some greasy food? I laugh. Always ready.
The day Quinceanera arrives
I didn’t want to come, but Amá forced me to. I love my cousin. It’s just I prefer to keep my distance from my relatives. Plus, I hate wearing formal clothes. We walk into the party hall. It’s decorated with purple helium balloons and fake pink roses. A Tigres del Norte song comes ON. We sit at one of the tables with bright pink tablecloths. My uncle Jorge, Daniela’s dad, reaches over. He’s wearing a sombrero hat. He chats with Apá first. Then he asks me, Pá cuándo la novia, mijo? He always finds ways to make me feel uncomfortable. Asking when I will have a girlfriend is one of them. Thank God Daniela shows up. People clap and whistle. She looks stunning. No glasses or the white sneakers she usually wears. Instead, a cute purple dress that highlights her curves. A silver tiara on her head.
Alison texts me
She asks if Alex has reached out. Amá says I should stop texting. Daniela dances with her chambelanes, her quince court. Aunt Rosario cries. Alison keeps texting me. You should call Alex. The party emcee DEMANDS relatives dance with the quinceañera. Amá glances at me. No way, I say. I hate dancing. Don’t be rude. It’s your cousin. So go. More notifications from Alison. I know Amá won’t let it go, so I breathe deeply and walk toward Daniela.
I Count my steps
as we dance. One, two, three, turn. So, how’s Alison? Daniela asks. She’s fine, I say. Thank you, prima, for that night. Guess she learned drinking that much is never a good idea. I hope you learned your lesson, too, Daniela says. One, two, three, turn. I frown. What you mean? There will be more Tylers in your life, she says. But you always need to remind yourself how special you are. Never be ashamed of that. We stop for a moment. I wrap Daniela in a big, big hug. Gracias. People clap even though they don’t know what’s going on. You know you have my support, she says warmly. And talk to your dad only when you’re ready. I nod. You look beautiful, by the way. She giggles. Thanks, primo. As I get close to my table, Apá is staring at me with this severe look I’ve never seen before. He holds my phone. DANG. I forgot to lock my phone. He read my texts with Alison.
My first reaction
is to walk away—very fast. Just like that night at the party. Amá calls out my name, but the people gather and the event staff divide us. I accidentally hit a woman holding a soda. It spills all over. I’m sorry! I yell. One, two, three, four blocks. I take a couple deep breaths. I turn. I don’t see Amá or Apá anymore. I don’t know where to go. I could hide in the park. But that wouldn’t work forever. Tired and defeated, I just go home.
breathe in, breathe out
I breathe in. What am I gonna say when my parents arrive? Is Apá going to kick me out of the house? Will he beat me up? My stomach growls. Someone knocks on the door, pulling me out of my thoughts. I feel spaced out. I take a loooong deep breath before opening the door. Alex Cisneros is standing there. Cool if I come in? I know this isn’t a good time, but my heart keeps popping up like popcorn in a heavy-bottomed pot. I can’t ignore how he makes me feel, so I just step outside. I breathe out.
Only Pieces